Friday, June 15

emotion and the lack thereof

No I don't want to go with you to say goodbye to your best friend.
oh, so that makes me an unemotional person; almost to the point of being like [insert name of a stoic here]?

It's just a phase, I am sure it will be better soon. Here, I will even diagnose myself:

The last time I cried: hmmmm on the way home from Hawaii at the beginning of march. It was hard for me to leave. and go back to live my life like a normal person.

The last time I laughed for reals without holding anything back: well I can't really remember. movies don't count because they aren't real life. I do laugh...every week. I make a donkey sound out of my throat and I can't stop it. but laughing for so long and hard that it is almost satisfying? And your cheekbones begin to ache? I will try to make it happen soon.

The last time I was angry: yesterday. but I wouldn't call it anger, it is more of an irritable feeling. I have been irritable a lot lately.

The last time I was sad or depressed: I haven't been depressed for over 6 months, and even then it was only for a few days. I avoid any damaging thoughts and feelings at all costs. Being depressed is the worst thing ever.

I could list more emotions but the point is that I am an emotional person, I have feelings. I just haven't expressed them lately. And I have always avoided situations where things will be all mushy and I feel awkward--such as the above situation my sister invited me to attend. I decided a while ago to be real and not pretend to be excited about something I really don't care for.

What you need is a relationship they tell me. What you really need is to get married. No thanks. And no, it isn't about that guy I dated a year ago. It is about me. I don't flirt with a guy unless he is my type. And plus I am still really young.

Thursday, June 14

Ode to Kneaders

Dear Kneaders:

I will miss you. Before I officially turn in my hat and shirt with your emblem, I wish to leave an ode. You not only gave me $1,273.83, you also taught me valuable lessons about people and food and pain.

People because I worked with a couple people that either drove me crazy or people that made me want to cry because they were so mean (and I did cry one time, member that?) You taught me how to cope with the irritation and hurt. You helped me learn to get along with them and make them like me and not be mean. And it wasn't about pretending. I learned to be myself and people love me when I am myself. If I am anything less or more they hate me. So I am going to be myself from now on.

You taught me about food. Last night was our last night together and lets just say I didn't take you for granted. I sampled your potato soup, your brownie mix (coupled with some strawberries I cut up,) Parmesan chips, turkey bacon and avocado, a cup of sprite with raspberry sherbet and real raspberries, and some broccoli salad. Thank you for never giving me a sick mouthful.

Lastly you taught me about pain. You see, I have what is called plantar fasciitis and my doctor told me: "NO STANDING!" So that is why we had to end this. Although you brought many smiles and good times, you also caused me unbearable pain in my feet. With that pain came endurance and I am a better person from it. I learned to take pain and not complain or feel ashamed.

I will never forget the taste of a turkey ranch sandwich on asiago cheese bread, grilled. Or the repulsive smell on my hands even after washing them a million times from onions and bacon. I will hold these lessons and memories forever in my heart.

Still your customer; no longer your employee,


Tuesday, June 12

I will never see you again after you click on this logo:

The farthest I've gotten is to level 12.

top of the morning to ye

The following songs have been stuck in my head this morning (I have only been awake for an hour) They are in chronological order:

"My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" because I gave a lesson about sheep at FHE last night
Limb Bizkit's "Nookie" I haven't listened to that since I was 14 years old. I hate that song.
"A Child's Prayer" because I sing that song whenever a bad song or thought gets in my head
"Check on it" by beyonce because that song is on the cd in the car i am driving and when I heard the beat I changed it, knowing it would get stuck in my head. well it did anyway so i should have listened to the entire song.
"One Night Only" from Dreamgirls because I got this flyer from the bookstore that says "one day only!!" Those jerks I will never shop there again! Unless it's for a textbook...but that is THEIR LOSS!

Why do songs get stuck in my head?
This link thinger is soooo great.

Monday, June 11

is that wrong?

So there is a hot man in my ward. If Eric from the little mermaid was a real human being, it would be him. So we will call him Eric.
He hurt his leg so he has crutches right now. I wonder if that affects my attraction toward him because vulnerable sensitive men are really attractive.

Anyway so in Relief Society they announced that volunteer tutors are needed to help at the public library for lil chillens who need help reading. For details, contact ERIC. To make a long story short, contact him I did.
So today he and I are going to the library so I can learn how to be a tutor. Am I really doing this for the kids?